Inspiration and Love outweighs all

Overweight, obese, so many children in America are.  I have two beautiful step daughters, one is average height and weight and one struggles.  She is what we call in America part of the norm...... she is obese.  I don't say that as an insult, I have been obese most of my life.  I struggle daily not to gain more weight.  As an overweight teen, the struggles of life and growing up get harder every day.

Teasing and pointing from other kids can be the least of ones problems.  The stares as you walk around town or at the mall, become part of your norm.  The snickers that you think you hear when you pass a group of " skinny" girls grow louder in your head every time you see them.  Insults that you make about yourself, mask the pain you are really feeling.  Family members making you feel bad because you weigh more than you should, can make you cry yourself to sleep.

As a teen girl, shopping for new clothes is like going to the doctor for a shot when you are over weight.  The amusement park isn't so fun when you don't know if you will fit in the seats of your favorite ride.  Just a walk around the block can make you out of breath.

I know how hard life can be growing up fat.  It is sad, it is confusing, it is a driving force to eat more every day. All you think about is what's one more donut, who cares if I sit in front of the TV one more day.  

I am in my thirties and the roller coaster of weight loss and weight gain is a major part of my life.  I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds.  I have made every excuse possible to myself about why I am over weight.  I have eaten myself sick and starved myself.  I have tried many diet fads, pills, videos and so on.  I have learned how to eat and what amazing results one gets from exercise.  I don't know if I will gain all my weight back again but I purely doubt it.

This week I shared with my step daughter the pleasure and pain of getting active.  She is lazy, she openly admits she is lazy.  Isn't that normal when you are fat..... well yes it is.  Funny thing is I don't believe she is lazy, she just has no one to help motivate or support her.

I asked her to go for a walk Monday.  I knew where I was taking her and the distance we would be walking, but until we got there I didn't tell her.  It is a beautiful secluded trail back in the Allegany State Park.  I found it and fell in love with it.  I wanted to share this peaceful place with my beautiful step daughter.  When I told her about how far we would be walking, her face said it all.  She had no faith in herself.  I had enough for her.  Together we walked, looking at the trees..... pointing out chipmunks running by and just enjoying the warm breeze.  She asked many times how much further and I kept saying just a little.  After a couple good inclines, I lied and said there were no more, only for her to see another incline and another..... I giggled.  She could do it and really at that point it was quit and sit there forever or keep walking and make it back to the car.  Well of course we made it back to the car.  She was out of breath and legs hurting but she did it.  It took a bit longer than I was used to but I was so proud of her and her determination to fight through the pain.

The next time she was at the house was four days later and I asked the question that I thought I knew the answer to.  She surprised me and said she wanted to go back to the trail.  I was so excited that she wanted to go back.  We walked it and this time I added a couple sprints to get the heart rate going.  Before we started the trail she asked our time form the first time and she verbally stated she wanted to beat the time.  Without a doubt I knew we would.  We walked it and although she had moments of disbelief in herself, never did I not believe in her.  I tried to be supportive and give encouragement as she got a bit tired here and there.  I made sure to keep letting her know how good she was doing, and that she was making me proud.  She rocked her time, beating the first walk by six minutes.  I couldn't have been more proud.  She was sweaty and hot and tired but she had a look on her face that said it all.

Our walk the next day was a bit different.  We walked in town and for a self conscience over weight teen that can be hard.  Mentally, the challenge was much more than the physical aspect.  People could see her and that is a huge no no for a big girl.  Even children sitting on their porch made her cringe.  Her legs were still aching from the previous day, so the walk started a bit tense.  She complained from the beginning, saying out loud she couldn't do it.... all the while I said yes you can, we can do this together.  Our walk had sprints and some jogging in it this time.  We walked around town and down the Pat McGee Trail, she was definitely more comfortable on the trail.  The shade from the trees brought comfort while she wanted to hide from the world.  She needed to stop in her mind, she couldn't walk anymore, so she told herself..... but she never stopped.  Our walk had twists and turns that were unexpected, long story short we lost my phone, had to back track to find it and then her phone rang and we found out it was turned into the police station.  Well the walk just got longer, which actually was okay with me.  I was going to push her and let her see what she thinks she can't do really she can.  I thought she would refuse to go further and want to go home but even through her negative comments she again never quit.  Total we walked about seven miles, stopping for a little bit to savor a small ice cream cone after about six miles of walking.  A treat was in order for sure.  

In all my girl who doesn't find active lifestyle normal had now walked almost fifteen miles in total in less than a week.

Today is Easter Sunday and instead of hiding Easter eggs and searching for them we decided to search for a geocache.  Nearly four tenths of a mile straight uphill on the mountain side.  It was a steep climb, and she was hurting.  I could see the tears welling up in her eyes, her voice getting more pissed off.  I knew the truth, she wasn't mad at anyone and she was getting mad because for the first time all week she really and truly believed she was going to have to quit.  She panted as she climbed, stopped to catch her breath but she made it.  This girl, who a week ago didn't think she could walk a mile climbed a hill, straight up.  We found the cache, which gave her time to rest and then back down the mountain side.  Off to the trail we went, again she wanted to beat her time.

I had faith she would but I knew she was tired and sore from all the uphill.  If we finished the trail, no matter the time, that's all that mattered to me.  We began walking but she showed a bit of conflicting attitude.  She wanted to walk but she was sore.  Her legs didn't know what was going on or why she was making them work so much.  I understood her pain, emotionally and physically.  She was tired and becoming pissy.  She even said at one time in the beginning of the trail that she wasn't happy and didn't want to be mean to anyone.  I supported her and made her know that it was okay to feel that way.

I began teaching her how to breathe, in through her nose out through her mouth.  Sounds simple enough but it has to be learned and it is important for your health to breathe properly.  I explained to her about her stride and how important and more beneficial the walk would be if she took full strides and stopped walking so slow.  I talked to her as we walked.  We jogged a bit and sprinted some.  The inclines seemed to be getting easier for her.  At one point she broke down, it was what I call a Biggest Loser moment.  She cried out, letting her walk come down even if only a little.  A few secret pains she spoke of, I understood, I had been there too.  I could relate and I wanted her to know she wasn't alone.  People can be cruel, but we make our own decisions about our life, and she listened.  I held her hand and walked with her.  She made it, she beat her time again! Another minute off, she did the trail on Monday in 1:17 and today she did it in 1:09.  Amazing in my eyes, my step daughter didn't quit.  She began finding herself this week, she found out she can do what she puts her mind to.  She found out even if it hurts, it won't kill her.  She found out that she has support.

I have said since I started losing weight that I have a passion inside of me for exercise and for working with others.  This week proved it even more.  I want to work with obese teens.  

I couldn't have been more proud of my step daughter this week.  Again I say she didn't quit.  Nearly 19 miles in all!   I plan on checking up on her this week.

I hope she remembers how important she is and how good this week felt.

Never thought about the things I would want to do in the future. I guess I am just happy living my days for what they are. But last night I did something that even if I had a die hard bucket list it wouldn't have been on it.
I mean I want to go to Alaska so I guess that would be on my list. I would absolutely love to see the snow caps and the arctic shores. Take a cruise and vacation In the the beautiful lands, who wouldn't love that.
I want to sky dive. To feel the air surrounding me. The miniature world getting larger as I get closer. Feeling the freedom of nothing under me, nothing holding me back.
Someday I will wear a bikini...... Okay so I can do it and maybe it's not really a bucket list kind of thing but for me it is. A woman who weighed over 250 lbs to know she will wear a bikini someday is rewarding and in reach.
As our lives evolve our so called bucket lists evolve as well. Some get smaller and some get more complex. And sometimes we do things that we never thought we would.
Last night I went to a video store at midnight. Yes you read that right. My husband bought me Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City yesterday afternoon and we couldn't pick it up until released at midnight.
We spent the entire day having fun. We laughed, we giggled, we walked Fiona, we cuddled and we played Resident Evil 5. I really enjoy RE. Then he taught me the game he enjoys playing ( which by the way I pick on him for the time he absorbs in it ) how cool was that game. It's a RPG ( role playing game ) well I didn't know so I asked. And it's Star Wars so I pick on him even more but it was a lot of fun. I like my RE more still but I made my own character on the computer and interacted in something he enjoys.
I may not have a true bucket list but yesterday I did two things out of my character. Not only did I go get a game at midnight which by the way again I have to say lots of fun. But I spent time indulging in something my husband totally enjoys.
I think on the top of all bucket lists should be getting to know the likes of spouses!
Second should be having fun no matter what you are doing, cause life is too short not to be enjoying yourself.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Hours in a Day

There's twenty four hours in a day, so why does it seem we have no time for us.  Well let's break it down.  On average we work eight hours a day, add in drive and prep time we have already wasted between ten and eleven hours.  That is almost half of our precious hours.  We should sleep a good eight hours but let's not push it, maybe we get six hours.  Now we have used about seventeen hours and all we have done is slept, gotten ready for work, drove and worked a minimum of eight hours.  What should we do with all that free time we have left.

If you are raising children that subtracts many more hours.  There are lunches to pack and night time stories to read.  Teenagers need rides to the mall and practice and nothing beats a home cooked meal.  Your toddlers need your hand to hold as they venture out exploring the world.  After school snacks and help with their homework.  Boy troubles and your son just not understanding girls.  You have to be a dictionary, a nurse, a chauffeur, a chef, a maid, a personal assistant, a teacher, and everything in between. 
Twenty four sounds like a large number until you break it down. 
For me just to go to the gym eliminates about three hours in the day.  It's a twenty-five minute drive each way and a good workout is between one and two hours. 

When and how we relax is a different story.  Finding the time to relax can stress some out.  Do we have time to relax and here is a question for you, how often do you feel guilty for relaxing?

Some of us can get lost in a good book.  We relate to the characters and get a sense of their feelings.  As the pages flip time goes by.  Others can't stay off of their social network sites, browsing and posting. You tweet and poke, send messages and chat all as your free hours slip by.  Maybe video games can help relax your mind.  You enter the fantasy world, becoming a fantasy.  Your mind forgets reality and for some this relaxation becomes an obsession ( lol ).  Taking walks and enjoying the fresh air, I know it's a foreign thought but oh so relaxing.  Watching the leaves changing colors and the birds chirping.  A good brisk walk as night nears can give some a wonderful sleep. 

It doesn't matter what one does with their hours as long as it makes them happy.


The way to relaxation is much different for everyone. As we get older we find what works.

Learning

• I learned something I already knew today.  Some people are just stupid.  It doesn't matter how old or young one is, sometimes you just don't have much common sense.  
• I learned something I already knew today.  I have more class in my little finger than some people do in their whole ass.
• I learned something I already knew today.  I will speak my mind and let you know just how it is when you are being stupid.
• I learned something I already knew today.  Parents aren't allowed to parent anymore, children have more rights and call the shots.
• I learned something I already knew today.  Teenagers know how to play the game and get away with murder.
• I learned something I already knew today.  Some adults can't act their age because they don't try.
• I learned something I already knew today.  Evil masks itself well.
• I learned something I already knew today.  My husband loves his daughters very much.
• I learned something I already knew today.  It's hard to compromise with stubborn people.
• I learned something I already knew today.  I need my friends in my life and they need me.
• I learned something I already knew today.  I enjoy my partner in crime Stacey.
• I learned something I already knew today.  If you let them get away with it, they will keep doing it.
• I learned something new today.                  No matter how hard you try, sometimes it just isn't enough.
• I learned something new today.                  Love doesn't conquer all.
• I learned something new today.                  But its gonna stay my secret.      

Making the Most Out of Every Day

It's been a week since I have blogged, well that's not quite true last night I blogged but it disappeared.  The whole darn blog gone so tonight I blog again almost the same as last night with a few changes and a little extra added.

One week ago I blogged about my loving husband.  I was bragging about how much he loves me and how he seems to always wants to make me happy.  He suggested that we save a beautiful small dog from a shelter and expand our family.  What a great idea that was.

That same day, I started a new medication.  For over five weeks I had been suffering from a terrible sleep disorder.  There were nights with no sleep and nights with two hours of sleep, but I am sure I had nights with no more than that.  I was lucky enough to find a doctor who listened and cared about my issues.  We discussed stress issues and maybe reasons why when I would lay my head down the thoughts would begin racing.  We tried all we could think of, herbal remedies, over the counter sleep aids, and prescription sleeping pills.  I tried teas and reading, nothing seemed to work.  I wanted to sleep.  I would watch my husband sleep and nothing.  He even took me out of work for a week, to get rest.  That did not help, but on Monday I started a new medication and for the first night in five weeks I got sleep.  I took the new pill with no true expectations and honestly, I didn't expect to sleep.  I sat in bed, blogged and then curled up with Fiona and drifted to sleep.

    I couldn't believe my ears, I was waking up to my husband's alarm clock on Tuesday morning.

I had finally slept the whole night.  I slept through the train in the middle of the night.  I slept through the neighbor leaving for work in the morning.  I slept through the sun rising.  I slept through the school buses barreling down the streets.  I was amazed, after all these weeks I slept.  I felt amazing.  I woke up in the middle of my two loves, my wonderful husband and my new love, Fiona.  Then reality hit, cold morning walks for the baby.

I had taken a vacation day, so a little extra time bonding with Fiona and catching up on sleep was on the to do list.  I was hoping to make an appearance at the gym too.  I didn't make it to the gym, but I did take the little girl for a few walks.  Tuesday was a nice lazy day followed by yet another precious sleep filled night.

Wednesday was an emotional roller-coaster of a day.  I had plans to spend with a friend.  Not just a friend but someone very special in my life.  I believe some friends are true and this one gives me encouragement and we feed off of each other.  She wanted to go shopping and even though I had no desire to shop I was there for morale support.  All girl likes to have another girl there to let her know if something works or not and I was that girl that day.  After we did some shopping, it was off to lunch, healthy lunch! While we were out enjoying our day, some news I already kind of knew was confirmed.  I pretty much knew I made a mistake at work and would be suspended but until that afternoon I knew nothing for sure.  When I got a bit of information it changed my afternoon for a little bit.  I had a mix of emotions.

I have a certain work ethic.  I believe you should take pride in the job you do.  You should double check your work.  I always try to do my best.  I had questioned how people could make simple little mistakes, but I get it now.  It happens.... sometimes it just happens.  

I still had to take the little Miss to her first vet appointment.  Even with how I was feeling about work, taking care of our new little girl was taking priority.  I felt like a mommie taking a baby to their check up.  I was so proud of how she sat and stood for the doctor.  I just loved how good she was.  She didn't jump when she got her shot and I got to hear how old she was.  She has perfect teeth and she is just slightly under weight but that will change.  My veterinarian seems to think she is very healthy.  I just love my little girl.    She perked right up while Dr. Mount was talking to her.  Taking her to the vet and watching her eat the treat from the nurse brightened my day right up

As the day got later and work time got closer my attitude changed.  I allowed myself to stop being angry at me.  I had no need to beat myself up for making a human error.  I made a mistake and as long as I learn from it and don't let it happen again then lesson learned, consequence served.  I walked in to work with my head held high and took my punishment as I should.  Inside it killed me, honestly to know that I wouldn't be working because I did something wrong, but I was still catching up on sleep so really it was perfect timing.  I knew that in a few hours I would be taking one of my nightly pills and asleep I would be. 

I met my husband in the parking garage and off to home we went.  Ironically, for the fourth time he got one hundred percent customer service, earning a hundred dollars for himself….. proud of him.

When Thursday rolled around Iweighed in and realized that through all the sleepless nights and depressing daysI was eating myself silly. I was working out occasionally, and making promises I really had no true desire to keep. I hadn't gained but a few pounds but my body was changing and not for the better. My body was on track for the seasons, but not so much now. Making excuses at every twist and turn. I had plans to go to the gym with Amber that day and most of the time I would cancel but not Thursday. I was going to the gym that day. I took Fiona for a brisk walk and I mean brisk, it was cold. While walking I did some major thinking. This was a new day, new month, new start. I had everything I needed in life to make me happy, now all I needed to do was work on me. Later that afternoon I was off to the Y. It was leg day and I was ready for a power workout. After 45 intense interval minutes on the elliptical we were off to do some more butt and leg work outs.It was a great hour and a half at the Y. I felt empowered when I walked out those doors. By this point I had slept three nights in a row, and incredibly I felt amazing.

          What is it like walking a small dog on a 1.6 mile walk in this kind of weather, a little chilly but fun.  Fiona is a good sport and Friday it was around 45 degrees, so not too cold.  We decided to enjoy the afternoon together in the sunlight.  The fresh air felt wonderful and since I was going to be celebrating with my husband later in the evening out of the house ( meaning Fiona would be in the cage ) I didn't want to go to the gym to get my exercise.  I totally loved my walk with her, if it wasn't cold we would have went further.  The energy I felt from my work out the day before and the sleep I had been getting was definitely making me, me again.I made sure I was dressed and ready so when  Tim got home after work we could go to dinner.  The next day was our two yr anniversary and since I would be returning to work this was our time.  A little conversation, a cocktail, okay maybe two..... good food ( healthy ) maybe not all of it..... smiles and laughs.... a little hand holding..... all in all a perfect anniversary dinner with my husband.  After dinner we picked up Fiona, took her for a drive to Coffee Culture and picked up a latte to top the night off.  A brisk walk when we got home followed by a little snuggling before sleep.  

Morning came, a little restless sleep that night maybe because of the alcohol, maybe because I knew I would be going back to work that night.  rolled over and gave my husband a kiss, letting him know just how happy I was being married to him.  Words can't express how happy I am that we got married.  I still can't believe sometimes that we have been married for two years.  I told him how much I loved him.  Waking up next to the person you love is probably one of the best gifts you can have.  During those sleepless nights, we spent a lot of time alone, pretty sad.  It is much better now.
I napped a lot of the afternoon.  Relaxing, walking Fiona, nibbling on food, repeat..... that was pretty much my day before my husband got home.  I was ready for work before he got home so we could get the most out of every minute of our anniversary day!  We ate dinner together, had some idle chit chat and walked Fiona together.  That doesn't sound very exciting to most people but when you work opposite shifts, you take what you can get.
My first day back to work was also my Friday, pretty sweet, huh!  I couldn't wait to get in there and get my eight hours done so I could start my weekend.  I missed a bunch of people, too.  Many changes had happened at work too so I needed to be caught up.  Funny seemed like I had been gone for weeks, but in a way I had.  With lack of sleep, I had been going to work, but almost like a walking zombie at times.  Then before my suspension I was on medical leave as well.  I was excited to start getting back on track.  We were pretty busy so the night flew by and everyone was in good spirits.  

After work I was not sure what reaction I was going to get from Fiona.  Just as I was closing the door her little body came barreling down the stairs.  She couldn't control herself from jumping and trying to lick my face off, she was so excited I was home.  I was so happy to see her too.  She definitely missed me as much as I missed her.  I took her for a bitter cold and quick walk and off to bed we went.  It took a minute but I drifted off to sleep and didn't wake until my husband woke me until the morning.

Sunday was a pure lazy day.  We didn't go anywhere or do anything except walk Fiona.  We took her around the block three or four times.  It would have been more but it was extremely frigid out there.  We watched some television and lounged.  Nothing much, that's for sure.  

Today was a great day.  Okay maybe not a great day, it was a very good day.  Both Tim and I were a bit moody but the day went well.  We decided to take Fiona out to Petsmart in Blasdell.  She has car anxiety and we are trying to get her over it.  It was so cold out today but the sun was shining bright and that made it feel warm.  I tried to keep my tude on the down low.  Sometimes like today I can feel it and keep it in check.  I think he was PMSing myself but he was doing a good job too.  We walked around Petsmart for a bit and then decided to sign her up for doggie day camp so we could go to lunch and do some window shopping.  We don't get but a few days a month to spend together so it is nice to do something.  I called while we were out to check on our baby, because we don't know what she is like with other dogs and my face just lit right up..... she was socializing. 

 They said she was having a good time.  I was so happy my                baby was having a good time playing with other dogs.  

Our evening at home was just relaxed and perfect.  We watched a little television which is so mundane and so normal that I am actually bored with television so I suggested playing a game.  We played dominoes ( I got the idea because of my friends FB status the other day ) and I haven't played in a long time.  We had a blast.....and laughed.  I couldn't even remember all the rules, so I Googled them, I love Google. 

And guess what, now I am finishing up this blog post.

I weighed in today and since last Monday I lost over two pounds.  I am two pounds away from my lowest weight which is great for me.  I truly believe not sleeping started to screw with my metabolism, my motivation, my spirit, my health in general.  

I am so thankful that I found a doctor that truly listened to me.  I am truly thankful for my husband that supports me.  

This week had it's ups and downs.  I had emotions pulled this way and that.  I realized I make mistakes, I am not perfect.  I realized if I take care of myself, the happier and healthier I will be, even if something goes wrong, it will be okay.

" He Loves Me "

For over a month I have been stressing and just so miserable about issues at my job. I have logged minimal hours of sleep. My workout time became almost obsolete. My relationship with my husband, although never wavering was beginning to be strained. I was becoming an emotional basket case. I had visited my doctor more times recently than probably all of last year combined. Canceling time with friends, maybe because I was tired, maybe because I was depressed. I just wanted to be alone. I am no where near mentally or physically healthy for sure yet but with the help of my wonderful husband and friends and a doctor who seems to truly cares I'm on my way. My husband doesn't care for what he calls " yippers " at all. But maybe just maybe because he knew that it would help bring me out of my funk he said I could get a small dog. Any small dog I wanted. I couldn't believe my ears. After getting permission from my landlord, the mission was on. Only a shelter dog was coming in our home. I wanted to bring love to an animal that needed it. And so today we found her. She is beautiful and just what our house needs a little bit of life. I am thankful to have a husband who cherishes me and would give me the world if he could. I told him today my blog would be titled " Fiona " cause that's my cuties name but how could I title it anything but "He Loves Me " He told me Happy Anniversary as we were taking her for a walk but I think he would have let me have her no matter when it was. Laying here on the bed with my two beautiful cats and my new terrier/ chihuahua mix with my husband at his desk I am reminded sometimes it's the simple things in life that matter. I love Tim Huntington and I am not afraid to let everyone know it.

24 hr sleep

Twelve hours of sleep two days in a row equals sleeping a whole day away.  I don't recommend the way I was able to do it but I sure needed the sleep after all the sleepless nights.  First night I went back to work I was so exhausted, I wasn't on the floor more than a half an hour before I was in the nurses station  for for almost passing out.  After a bunch of questions, pokes and minor other things all she could come up with was high blood pressure and she also said no sleep can make my body out of whack.  I made it through the night, sometimes in a complete fog.  Numbers didn't add up right many times, questions asked of me sounded fuzzy the first time, the whole night I felt out of place.  I came home and sat with a cup of tea and decided to double my dose of ambien so I could get some sleep.  Let's just say I got up in enough time to cook for my daughters and shower and get dressed and even still without eating a bite of food I was barely on time, some may say I was late.  I felt sort of refreshed through the night although groggy and wanted to go back to sleep.  I got through the night a little better than the last, maybe knowing it was my Friday helped.  After getting home I was not quite tired enough to go to sleep but I wanted to.  I wanted to feel my head against the pillow, I wanted to drift off to the never place.  I figured if over dosing on prescription pills worked than maybe taking extra off the shelf sleeping pills might work.  So again with my lovely cup of peppermint tea I relaxed and after a bit I took three, the bottle says to take one but I had taken two before and that hadn't worked so why not try three.  And awake I was nearly twelve hours later.  Oh the sleep felt good.  Yes it is a little late and I have once tried to go to bed but I understand I haven't been up long so I will be taking my last ambien in just a few minutes.  I have a doctors appointment in the morning to discuss the anxieties I am suffering about sleep and how high dosages are just not affecting me like they should.  

I do feel better today than I have the last few weeks so maybe something is starting to go right in my body.  Let's cross our fingers and hope things are moving in the right direction.

I am hoping that if my sleep disorder, and I do consider it a disorder, gets fixed my I'll start managing my weight better.  Seems like the stress and worry with limited sleep can cause me to eat and not only eat but eat the wrong things.  And there has definitely been limited gym energy.  Just looking to have myself back is all.

I wanna SLEEP

It has been four weeks since my sleep has been screwed up.  There are nights when the voices in my head keep rambling so loud that I can't even hear my husband snoring.  I close my eyes and try my hardest to drift off to sleep and maybe for a minute I find silence in the night but it never lasts long.  The first couple weeks I would stay up for hours surfing the web, watching television which was not my habits.  I would notice the light outside getting brighter but I was not getting sleepy.  I would tend to laundry sometimes and a couple of those days I decided to crawl into bed but I was so restless I was waking and disturbing my husband and that was no good.  Then the next week I began sleeping on the couch.  Just staying up after work like the weeks before but when I got dozey in the day I would drift off on the couch but never into a deep sleep. This past week was worse.  I felt like a walking zombie.  Tired all the time, sleeping for less than a couple hours at a time.  And even the time I was sleeping was no solid sleep.  As my husband would walk down the stairs I would say good morning to him.  When he got out of the shower, I would conversate with him and doze back off only to be awake again before he walked out the door to leave for work.  It was like I was never getting to that deep space sleep.  

So tonight I am up at two in the morning, went to bed at eleven thirty.  I took a pill prescribed by my doctor and surprise surprise it didn't work tonight.  It kinda worked last night, it put me out but for only two hours.  Insomnia is crazy.  

I have tried Melatonin, an herbal supplement which seems to have no effect on me.

I have tried Unisom, an off the shelf sleeping aide which again seems to make me groggy if I take two but doesnt put me to sleep, but mind you the bottle only says to take one.

And then I have this prescribed sleeping pill which some nights puts me right out for a couple hours and then nights like this does nothing.

I watch Tim fall fast asleep and I am so jealous.  I remember when I used to be able to sleep like a baby.  He can't do anything for me, he holds me and he loves me and he has compassion for me but he can't help me.  I am so frustrated, I want help.  I want to know what's wrong with me.  I want to know why all of a sudden this is happening to me.  My stress level is at a high that no one can imagine unless they have been there themselves.  

The other night I woke drenched in sweat.  My hair was soaked and my forehead was super clammy.  I don't know if I was having a bad dream but it wasn't the first time in the last few weeks that has happened.  The bed used to be my safe place but not lately. Now I wake with the sheets tattered around, I feel disheveled and I don't even feel like I got sleep, it's crazy.  I can't tell you how many times I look at the clock during the night.   

I am considering asking my doctor to contact a sleep study for me.  I don't believe I have sleep apnea, maybe if I hadn't already lost all this weight but I do have some kind of sleep disorder.

No sleep and stress are horrible combination   ;(

Friendships

Friendship can be a tricky thing.  There are so many dynamics and many different kinds of friendships.  

Childhood friendships change on a drop of a hat.  Everyone is our best friend at least for the moment.  Some get lucky and carry that friendship through their life and share their happy, sad, and momentous times together.  Some families move around so much the children aren't able to connect and develop lasting friendships.

 

As adults we have neighbors, co-workers, friends of friends, in- laws, and so on.  We can meet new people at church or at a bar.  When we take our dog to the park we have common ground with others playing ball with their dog.  They all somehow become our Facebook friends.  We know what they are doing and how they are feeling all the time.  When they break up with their life partner, as their friend we find out, but we never go to their house for dinner because we aren't really their friend. 

         I have been in the casino business for thirteen years and in that time have found my closest friends inside those walls.  I met my best friend the night of the casino grand opening and since that night couldn't see my life without her in it.  We don't have to talk every day but we know we love one another.  We support each others decisions and are there when we need to be.

This week there were some changes in my friendship status's.  I think you have to assess your life and those in it at times.  I started a friendship tonight with someone who has been in my life for nearly eight years.  I realized that I am an important source of support in another friends life this afternoon.  Some people who had once been called friend are now no longer in that category for me.  This week has been eye opening.  

I sat at dinner this evening just talking away with a new friend and I can't explain how good it felt.  We are a lot alike but live pretty different lives.  Biggest difference of all, she doesn't work in the casino.  I have needed a friendship out of the business for years and just didn't know how to develop one.  She is true to herself which makes her true to others.  She has a passion for life, passion for her family, passion for her job, all qualities I want in a friend.  

 In our lives we all have many friends, some might mean a little more than others but all are there for a reason.  The key is to figure out what the reason is and make sure you are centered in your own life enough to be aware of all who surround you.

Waiting on a loss

The scale showed its true colors this week.  I gained weight this week, I shouldn't have gained.  I worked out, I started to find myself at the gym again.  Working out doesn't mean a thing if the other factors in your life aren't lined up.  

My sleep patterns are whacked.  I haven't slept at night in over a week.  I get a couple hours sleep now and then but nothing that replenishes my body.  I have put some terrible food in my body.  We have had candy in the pit all week, some brought by me and others.  I have eaten after work pretty much every night.  Two nights in a row I consumed alcohol, more than I needed to.  I eat whatever is around to control my stress, which only stresses me out more.

Work is spiraling my mind out of control.  Stress used to cause me to eat, but then I found the gym and relieved stress that way.  Unfortunately, I have returned to food for comfort.  Food is not comfort, eating is comfort followed by stress of the scale and stress of realizing what I have done.

I am struggling right now to find balance, but I know I can do it.  I don't know what to do right now to fix my problems but I am working on it.

At the gym I started using the heavy bag, maybe I need to use it more.  I have amped up my cardio and made my work outs more defined.  

I have learned a lot this week.  It doesn't matter what you physically do if you mentally are weak.  Everything must be taken seriously.  Nutrition and sleep are just as important as exercise.  

This past week was a bust, but at least I tried and the next week to follow will only get better.  

Tired

This blog is written under the influence of alcohol, under the influence of lack of sleep, under the influence of stress, under the influence of don't give a fuck anymore......
I am tired.
I am tired of getting no respect.
I am tired of people taking advantage of me.
I am tired of looking at the scale and demanding better from myself.
I am tired of having people in my life that deserve little respect because they give me none.
I am tired of getting home from work and not being able to sleep.
I am tired of not spending quality time with my husband.
I am tired of thinking people are my friends and then finding out they are not real friends.
I am tired of doing my best and feeling like I should have done better instead of just being proud of myself.
I am tired of being less than enough.

Today I realized that even people who look you in the eye and call themself friend aren't always that.  Sometimes thoughs who we trust are the most manipulative of all.  You have to see true colors before you color outside the lines.  I want to color outside the lines.

And today at this moment....... I am ready to color outside the lines!
I am no longer going to save face as long as I give my best than that is all I have to do.
I don't need to be someones friend or be manipulated, I just need to give 100% all the time.

I am a good person and I give it my all at my job.  No matter where my life takes me, that is the best I can do and what I do will always be my best!!!!!!!!

Finding My Way Back To Me

So I realized something very important this week, I love the Y and everything that it has to offer.  I found myself there months ago very confused and overwhelmed with all of its' toys.  I remember doing the walk through with a couple friends of ours, and didn't believe I would ever be comfortable on anything but the treadmill.  I can walk slow and fast on that thing, is what I was thinking.  I saw the other cardio equipment and had no desire to conquer the fear of sweating on one of those.  I remember peaking in on the pool and feeling embarrassed by just the thought of putting a bathing suit on and being around complete strangers.  I watched people jogging around the track and wished I could one day have the stamina to keep up at that pace, which later I would call a slow pace.  In the months that followed I took classes at the Y, not many but a few.  I found Zumba fun and a wonderful fifty minute cardio routine.  A couple other classes I tried were, step aerobics and their version of kick boxing, I even attended a yoga class.  I will wander back to the yoga class again I'm sure but for now I like going to spin class.  It's one night a week and boy do I sweat in that class.  Riding a bike never hurt so good.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I can do anything at the Y as long as I wanted to.   As much as I enjoy the Y, for some reason I strayed away.  

I made excuses as to why I wasn't going, came up with what I said was a better plan of action.  I planned on walking more often, but I didn't.  I just let myself go and became super lazy.  I even thought about doing a program called Insanity, which I tried but just don't find it for me.  I may try it again at a later time, but for now I just can't do it.  So I thought about it and decided the one thing I enjoyed and worked was me devoting time to the Y.  

So this week I started working on me again.  Time set aside for my well being and health is just as important as house cleaning and laundry.  I have to have a plan and follow through with it.  My eating habits aren't horrible, maybe could be a little better but that's okay.  I did a mini workout here at home followed by two consecutive days at the Y.  Luckily I had a partner in crime on the first day back to the Y, it's always nice working out with someone.  The next day which was this evening, I had spin class.  I showed up almost a half hour early so I could do a mini ab workout first.  Feeling my muscles hurting and sweat dripping are small reminders of the hard work one must put in if they want to live a healthier life.  I love the way my body feels the morning after an awesome workout.  

This week may not have been what I planned on last week but it was exactly what it was supposed to be.  I found my passion again.  I may be working out a little more by myself, time restraints may keep me from having my partner in crime there but that's okay.  I know how to use all the machines and what works good for me so gone are the excuses.

It's only been one week, but what a damn good week it's been!

Forgive and Forget

When we are young we are taught to accept the apology of the little kid who kicked us on the playground or our sister when she pulls our hair in the back seat.  We learn to say I am sorry without hesitation.  The words have no true meaning, it is what we take from that moment and where we go from there.  An apology can be heartfelt and hold truth or just words to pacify a situation.  I hear people say they are sorry all the time for things they have no control of, but why do we feel the need to use those words.

I have been struggling with demons from my past and with apologies, some heard and some felt. There  is no religion in my life, but I am searching for a sense of spirituality.  In this search I am exploring forgiveness, my forgiveness.  I owe apologies of my own, maybe more than I am aware.  I await apologies, hoping to one day hear them and believe them.  To forgive is not meant to forget and that in there lays an issue for me.  I hold onto things for a long time, years in fact.  I am at a point in my life where the weight of these demons actually brings disease to my world.  It slows down my thought process in the day and keeps my mind racing in the evening.  It holds me back from truly trusting others and being open with those I love.  Sometimes I feel strong but mostly weak from the power I have given anger.

Anger is a front for the sorrow I feel and the resentment and pain I feel.  I have no delusions about who I am or where I have come from.  I am a product of those who have raised me and the biological nature from which I am made.  I choose my path, but derive from the past.  I can no longer blame others for the way I live my life today.  Every action has a reaction and with that said I need to react.  I need to stop judging those that I believe have wronged me and judge myself for the life I live and have lived.  I need to step back and look at the choices the adult me has made.  Do I forgive myself?  Do I accept myself with the wrongs I have made and if so then shouldn't I do the same for everyone else.

I may not forgive everyone today but I am close. 

 I will never forget my past, but I can let it be just that, the past.  

Struggling

So minutes ago I turned off Insanity before the end.  I didn't even do the cool down stretch at the end.  I am not going to give up this easily but I feel this might not be my thing.  I found a love for the Y as I went three to five times a week.  I know I have strayed and no longer can call the Y my second home but I think starting to work out to Insanity has made me remember my love again for the Y.  It is hard to work out, the more I do, the more I love it.  I love pushing myself, but the intensity of Insanity is more than I am used to and not having a partner in crime is pretty lonely.  I like being alone normally but I guess this is different.  
I feel a dilemma that I don't know what to do.  
I have been drinking most of my water, again something I have to get used to again.
I have not been for a run yet, again I hope soon to get out on the road.
My friends I am admitting loud and clear, I am struggling!

Unspoken Words

Sometimes the word sorry just can not be enough.  I looked at her and wanted to say more, but had no idea what those words would be.  I saw that look in her eyes and felt sadness in her hug.  She was surrounded by children's laughter and family support.  The amount of family and friends there to show love was incredible.  The tears dried from earlier hellos, although unseen definitely were there.  The unspoken words, heard loud and clear.  Her strength incredible.

There is no answer for the mysteries of life.  People have their own belief system.  Our beliefs are what keep us strong.   Mine is simple, everything happens for a reason.  I guess it's not that simple, because I see no reason for certain things.  But I don 't know what the future holds, no one does.  Even cruel uncertain actions have an effect which determines our future.

The loss of a loved one seems to have no reason, especially when that loved one is young.  

I just wanted my friend to know that she was being thought of.  There are people out there who just want to hug her, whisper "I'm sorry" in her ear.  Let her know that whatever she needs, there is someone to do it for her.  My sadness for her and her loss is in no comparison to her sadness and loss.  And in no way would I ever begin to say I understand her sorrow.  

                                                

For all those who have lost a child, I am sorry for you and your pain.

For all those who have tried to conceive and have felt the pain of a negative test, I am sorry for your pain.

For all those who have felt the excitement of conception and then experienced loss, I am sorry for your pain.

For all of you who have over come, I learn from your strength.

For all of you, let us remember to be strong for our neighbor, our friend, our co-worker, our family member.

Plan of Action

I am starting Insanity all over again tomorrow.  I only did two days of it, not because it was hard or because I am lazy but things just kept happening and I was pretty sick.  I am still not 100% but I am ready.  I even have a partner in crime joining me, well at least she says she will.... tomorrow I will know for sure.  With or without her I will be busting my ass.  I worked very hard to lose over 75 lbs and I still have a ways to go.  In an earlier blog post I mentioned that I have been struggling and seemed to lost my way for a bit, at that time I said I was ready to get back on track.  It seems I was not really ready...... I am now!
Healthy food and maintaining a healthy schedule is so very important also.
I am pretty scared to start Insanity but the hard work is going to pay off....
I have a few other things in store for myself......
I want to run my first 5K by May...... which means I need to start running again.  I enjoy running but I haven't ran in a while.... this should be fun!
I need to follow a strict schedule, training and eating......
Maybe packing my food for work would be a good idea too.

WHAT DOESN'T KILL ME WILL ONLY MAKE ME STRONGER

• Insanity 6 days a week
• Run 3 days a week
• 20 min Boost before getting ready for work (crunches n push ups)
• Spin class every Monday night
• 80 oz of water every day

I believe blogging will help me stay accountable to myself.

Every Monday evening I will be blogging about the week .

Monday's will be my healthy update blog.                        

Cherish Today

It's late and although I complain a lot about the petty small things in my life I am quite aware this evening that I really have nothing to complain about.  My life is normal, I have the ups and downs like any married adult would have.  My job can suck sometimes and even though I bought my car new it makes me frustrated occasionally.  The bills pile up and household chores need to be done even if I am tired.  I get depressed sometimes just because and I procrastinate a little too much......... My husband, who adores me can still make me crazy but my life is good......I am in good health and my family is all well..... tonight again it was proven to me that things could always be worse.

    A friend of mine is suffering the worst loss anyone could, she is mourning the loss of her child.  No parent should ever have to feel that sadness.  I can't imagine what she is going through, I can only be empathetic to her situation.  

    There are people out there struggling and doing everything in their power to have a child, these people want nothing more than to love a baby and raise them with values and spend those cherished moments in life with them.  I know women who have carried a child for some time only to lose that child, sad.  I know women who have been through numerous miscarriages and still births.  I have friends that know the loss this woman is going through tonight, stirring up terrible emotions.   

    I can only hope that her family and friends will keep her close to them.  Through the grief may she find solace.  The time she shared with her little man will forever be in her heart.  His smile gracing her mornings, hearing his giggle through the days.  Her evenings spent knowing he is at peace and forever her angel.  

    Let us all remember to not forget to say I love you to the ones we love.  Don't wait until tomorrow to say hello to a friend.  Pick up the phone and talk to someone that you are missing.  

                           No one is promised a tomorrow.

Rambling

I should be sleeping right now but this is my wind down time.  It is the beginning of my weekend and with so much on my mind I just need a little me time.  I could go for a drink but I opt out ( not needing the extra calories ). Everyone is sleeping soundly upstairs, probably for hours.  My cats greeted me with much love at the door, just like every day.  I lost my voice again at work and although I tried to keep my spirits up it was quite frustrating.  I went to work full of energy and a voice and I left squeaking again and feeling run down with a headache again.  My headache has pretty much gone away and although my feline friends are here with me I have no need or want to try to speak right now.  My thoughts are racing....... 

         This has been an okay weekend.  Having the girls here is great and it seems the stress level has been minimal lately.  But I am sick and feel like blah blah blah.  I wanted to sleep the whole day away but forced myself to get up and be a good step mom.  I cleaned up the house, folded laundry that I had washed the day before and even cooked dinner ( homemade chili ).  I watched the girls giggle and play X Box.  I wanted to play around but just didn't have the energy to join in.  They will be going home tomorrow and all I can hope is that they know how much they are loved and missed when not here.  

         I am done rambling now............. 

Broken

I don't believe I am lazy, and I don't believe that I make excuses... but
I can't seem to find the time to get my focus back.
I want to start Insanity but there is stuff going on that makes it hard for me to do so.
I want to get to the gym but again stuff that is happening around here makes it a bit difficult.
How do I find my way again, I am so frustrated in myself right now and the way life just keeps happening.

I want this maintenance guy to not be coming here anymore......
I want to not be sick anymore, I am not like ill but have not been 100% lately.
I want to have the motivation to overcome all of this.
I want to find time for me again.

I am just rambling and I don't even know why, I just feel like I want so much to happen and I am at a standstill right now.  My motivation button is broken and it sucks.....

Day One

My lazy ass needed to find a new motivation and with winter rearing its cold nasty head going to the Y becomes a back burner maybe.  I find excuses to not go running, cause it's cold outside and well there is always something around the house for me to do.  I have over ten different DVD's and workout games for X Box and Wii and yet the chore seems to be getting off of the couch and inserting the disc in the player.  All of 2011 I worked out and was proud of the accomplishments made.  Why is that laziness is so easy.  I don't know, but today ended that streak......
I did Insanity Fit Test, Day one of Insanity completed.
I am proud of myself.

Cold Day

What do kids do on cold, snowy days?  Well when I was young we played in the snow.....threw snow balls at one another....maybe built a snowman.  On a good day maybe make snow angels.  We bundled up and enjoyed the winter weather.  Kicked around the fluffy white stuff and of course shoveled because as my father said thats what he had a kid for ( chuckles ).  

        Today kids see cold days differently, it's just another excuse to sit inside and play with the toys of today.  Not like a game of checkers, where they could possibly interact with someone else but with their I-Pods and tablets.  A cold day to the children of this day and age means sitting on the couch watching TV..... ear buds in listening to music at the same time.

                       You ask them to shovel snow and unless you specify that you want everything shoveled it seems to only take them a few minutes...... a path big enough for a little person to walk through.  

               Oh to be young again and feel the joy of just playing around.  Now when I see the fluffy white stuff, all I think about are the idiots who don't know how to drive in the winter...... scraping the ice off the windshield of my car and the fact that I am getting old and the cold really does bother me.

Family Night

Vacation day for family day.  It was well worth it.  Dinner eaten together, which is rare in this house and game night which in itself is a lot of fun.  My step daughters probably don't realize how much having them here makes me feel better.  My wonderful husband is happier, maybe sometimes a bit stressed but happy none the less.  I am wide awake trying to unwind and still getting this blogging thing down.

Freedom

Losing weight is a freeing sensation. You become comfortale in the body you have and never realize what else is out there waiting for you. Weight is not the only thing you lose when finding one's self..... you lose resentment to the food in front of you. You lose baggage of past angers. You lose the fight within yourself, which is normally the root of your weight issues. I am an over eater who has learned what the word moderation means. I have a compulsive nature, whether it is cleaning, reading, eating, working out, and need I say probably blogging. I start projects and until recently was not known to finish them. There is a new me brewing inside but unfortunately I still sense the lazy, unmotivated Opal rearing her head.