Forgive and Forget

When we are young we are taught to accept the apology of the little kid who kicked us on the playground or our sister when she pulls our hair in the back seat.  We learn to say I am sorry without hesitation.  The words have no true meaning, it is what we take from that moment and where we go from there.  An apology can be heartfelt and hold truth or just words to pacify a situation.  I hear people say they are sorry all the time for things they have no control of, but why do we feel the need to use those words.

I have been struggling with demons from my past and with apologies, some heard and some felt. There  is no religion in my life, but I am searching for a sense of spirituality.  In this search I am exploring forgiveness, my forgiveness.  I owe apologies of my own, maybe more than I am aware.  I await apologies, hoping to one day hear them and believe them.  To forgive is not meant to forget and that in there lays an issue for me.  I hold onto things for a long time, years in fact.  I am at a point in my life where the weight of these demons actually brings disease to my world.  It slows down my thought process in the day and keeps my mind racing in the evening.  It holds me back from truly trusting others and being open with those I love.  Sometimes I feel strong but mostly weak from the power I have given anger.

Anger is a front for the sorrow I feel and the resentment and pain I feel.  I have no delusions about who I am or where I have come from.  I am a product of those who have raised me and the biological nature from which I am made.  I choose my path, but derive from the past.  I can no longer blame others for the way I live my life today.  Every action has a reaction and with that said I need to react.  I need to stop judging those that I believe have wronged me and judge myself for the life I live and have lived.  I need to step back and look at the choices the adult me has made.  Do I forgive myself?  Do I accept myself with the wrongs I have made and if so then shouldn't I do the same for everyone else.

I may not forgive everyone today but I am close. 

 I will never forget my past, but I can let it be just that, the past.