" He Loves Me "

For over a month I have been stressing and just so miserable about issues at my job. I have logged minimal hours of sleep. My workout time became almost obsolete. My relationship with my husband, although never wavering was beginning to be strained. I was becoming an emotional basket case. I had visited my doctor more times recently than probably all of last year combined. Canceling time with friends, maybe because I was tired, maybe because I was depressed. I just wanted to be alone. I am no where near mentally or physically healthy for sure yet but with the help of my wonderful husband and friends and a doctor who seems to truly cares I'm on my way. My husband doesn't care for what he calls " yippers " at all. But maybe just maybe because he knew that it would help bring me out of my funk he said I could get a small dog. Any small dog I wanted. I couldn't believe my ears. After getting permission from my landlord, the mission was on. Only a shelter dog was coming in our home. I wanted to bring love to an animal that needed it. And so today we found her. She is beautiful and just what our house needs a little bit of life. I am thankful to have a husband who cherishes me and would give me the world if he could. I told him today my blog would be titled " Fiona " cause that's my cuties name but how could I title it anything but "He Loves Me " He told me Happy Anniversary as we were taking her for a walk but I think he would have let me have her no matter when it was. Laying here on the bed with my two beautiful cats and my new terrier/ chihuahua mix with my husband at his desk I am reminded sometimes it's the simple things in life that matter. I love Tim Huntington and I am not afraid to let everyone know it.

24 hr sleep

Twelve hours of sleep two days in a row equals sleeping a whole day away.  I don't recommend the way I was able to do it but I sure needed the sleep after all the sleepless nights.  First night I went back to work I was so exhausted, I wasn't on the floor more than a half an hour before I was in the nurses station  for for almost passing out.  After a bunch of questions, pokes and minor other things all she could come up with was high blood pressure and she also said no sleep can make my body out of whack.  I made it through the night, sometimes in a complete fog.  Numbers didn't add up right many times, questions asked of me sounded fuzzy the first time, the whole night I felt out of place.  I came home and sat with a cup of tea and decided to double my dose of ambien so I could get some sleep.  Let's just say I got up in enough time to cook for my daughters and shower and get dressed and even still without eating a bite of food I was barely on time, some may say I was late.  I felt sort of refreshed through the night although groggy and wanted to go back to sleep.  I got through the night a little better than the last, maybe knowing it was my Friday helped.  After getting home I was not quite tired enough to go to sleep but I wanted to.  I wanted to feel my head against the pillow, I wanted to drift off to the never place.  I figured if over dosing on prescription pills worked than maybe taking extra off the shelf sleeping pills might work.  So again with my lovely cup of peppermint tea I relaxed and after a bit I took three, the bottle says to take one but I had taken two before and that hadn't worked so why not try three.  And awake I was nearly twelve hours later.  Oh the sleep felt good.  Yes it is a little late and I have once tried to go to bed but I understand I haven't been up long so I will be taking my last ambien in just a few minutes.  I have a doctors appointment in the morning to discuss the anxieties I am suffering about sleep and how high dosages are just not affecting me like they should.  

I do feel better today than I have the last few weeks so maybe something is starting to go right in my body.  Let's cross our fingers and hope things are moving in the right direction.

I am hoping that if my sleep disorder, and I do consider it a disorder, gets fixed my I'll start managing my weight better.  Seems like the stress and worry with limited sleep can cause me to eat and not only eat but eat the wrong things.  And there has definitely been limited gym energy.  Just looking to have myself back is all.

I wanna SLEEP

It has been four weeks since my sleep has been screwed up.  There are nights when the voices in my head keep rambling so loud that I can't even hear my husband snoring.  I close my eyes and try my hardest to drift off to sleep and maybe for a minute I find silence in the night but it never lasts long.  The first couple weeks I would stay up for hours surfing the web, watching television which was not my habits.  I would notice the light outside getting brighter but I was not getting sleepy.  I would tend to laundry sometimes and a couple of those days I decided to crawl into bed but I was so restless I was waking and disturbing my husband and that was no good.  Then the next week I began sleeping on the couch.  Just staying up after work like the weeks before but when I got dozey in the day I would drift off on the couch but never into a deep sleep. This past week was worse.  I felt like a walking zombie.  Tired all the time, sleeping for less than a couple hours at a time.  And even the time I was sleeping was no solid sleep.  As my husband would walk down the stairs I would say good morning to him.  When he got out of the shower, I would conversate with him and doze back off only to be awake again before he walked out the door to leave for work.  It was like I was never getting to that deep space sleep.  

So tonight I am up at two in the morning, went to bed at eleven thirty.  I took a pill prescribed by my doctor and surprise surprise it didn't work tonight.  It kinda worked last night, it put me out but for only two hours.  Insomnia is crazy.  

I have tried Melatonin, an herbal supplement which seems to have no effect on me.

I have tried Unisom, an off the shelf sleeping aide which again seems to make me groggy if I take two but doesnt put me to sleep, but mind you the bottle only says to take one.

And then I have this prescribed sleeping pill which some nights puts me right out for a couple hours and then nights like this does nothing.

I watch Tim fall fast asleep and I am so jealous.  I remember when I used to be able to sleep like a baby.  He can't do anything for me, he holds me and he loves me and he has compassion for me but he can't help me.  I am so frustrated, I want help.  I want to know what's wrong with me.  I want to know why all of a sudden this is happening to me.  My stress level is at a high that no one can imagine unless they have been there themselves.  

The other night I woke drenched in sweat.  My hair was soaked and my forehead was super clammy.  I don't know if I was having a bad dream but it wasn't the first time in the last few weeks that has happened.  The bed used to be my safe place but not lately. Now I wake with the sheets tattered around, I feel disheveled and I don't even feel like I got sleep, it's crazy.  I can't tell you how many times I look at the clock during the night.   

I am considering asking my doctor to contact a sleep study for me.  I don't believe I have sleep apnea, maybe if I hadn't already lost all this weight but I do have some kind of sleep disorder.

No sleep and stress are horrible combination   ;(

Friendships

Friendship can be a tricky thing.  There are so many dynamics and many different kinds of friendships.  

Childhood friendships change on a drop of a hat.  Everyone is our best friend at least for the moment.  Some get lucky and carry that friendship through their life and share their happy, sad, and momentous times together.  Some families move around so much the children aren't able to connect and develop lasting friendships.

 

As adults we have neighbors, co-workers, friends of friends, in- laws, and so on.  We can meet new people at church or at a bar.  When we take our dog to the park we have common ground with others playing ball with their dog.  They all somehow become our Facebook friends.  We know what they are doing and how they are feeling all the time.  When they break up with their life partner, as their friend we find out, but we never go to their house for dinner because we aren't really their friend. 

         I have been in the casino business for thirteen years and in that time have found my closest friends inside those walls.  I met my best friend the night of the casino grand opening and since that night couldn't see my life without her in it.  We don't have to talk every day but we know we love one another.  We support each others decisions and are there when we need to be.

This week there were some changes in my friendship status's.  I think you have to assess your life and those in it at times.  I started a friendship tonight with someone who has been in my life for nearly eight years.  I realized that I am an important source of support in another friends life this afternoon.  Some people who had once been called friend are now no longer in that category for me.  This week has been eye opening.  

I sat at dinner this evening just talking away with a new friend and I can't explain how good it felt.  We are a lot alike but live pretty different lives.  Biggest difference of all, she doesn't work in the casino.  I have needed a friendship out of the business for years and just didn't know how to develop one.  She is true to herself which makes her true to others.  She has a passion for life, passion for her family, passion for her job, all qualities I want in a friend.  

 In our lives we all have many friends, some might mean a little more than others but all are there for a reason.  The key is to figure out what the reason is and make sure you are centered in your own life enough to be aware of all who surround you.

Waiting on a loss

The scale showed its true colors this week.  I gained weight this week, I shouldn't have gained.  I worked out, I started to find myself at the gym again.  Working out doesn't mean a thing if the other factors in your life aren't lined up.  

My sleep patterns are whacked.  I haven't slept at night in over a week.  I get a couple hours sleep now and then but nothing that replenishes my body.  I have put some terrible food in my body.  We have had candy in the pit all week, some brought by me and others.  I have eaten after work pretty much every night.  Two nights in a row I consumed alcohol, more than I needed to.  I eat whatever is around to control my stress, which only stresses me out more.

Work is spiraling my mind out of control.  Stress used to cause me to eat, but then I found the gym and relieved stress that way.  Unfortunately, I have returned to food for comfort.  Food is not comfort, eating is comfort followed by stress of the scale and stress of realizing what I have done.

I am struggling right now to find balance, but I know I can do it.  I don't know what to do right now to fix my problems but I am working on it.

At the gym I started using the heavy bag, maybe I need to use it more.  I have amped up my cardio and made my work outs more defined.  

I have learned a lot this week.  It doesn't matter what you physically do if you mentally are weak.  Everything must be taken seriously.  Nutrition and sleep are just as important as exercise.  

This past week was a bust, but at least I tried and the next week to follow will only get better.  

Tired

This blog is written under the influence of alcohol, under the influence of lack of sleep, under the influence of stress, under the influence of don't give a fuck anymore......
I am tired.
I am tired of getting no respect.
I am tired of people taking advantage of me.
I am tired of looking at the scale and demanding better from myself.
I am tired of having people in my life that deserve little respect because they give me none.
I am tired of getting home from work and not being able to sleep.
I am tired of not spending quality time with my husband.
I am tired of thinking people are my friends and then finding out they are not real friends.
I am tired of doing my best and feeling like I should have done better instead of just being proud of myself.
I am tired of being less than enough.

Today I realized that even people who look you in the eye and call themself friend aren't always that.  Sometimes thoughs who we trust are the most manipulative of all.  You have to see true colors before you color outside the lines.  I want to color outside the lines.

And today at this moment....... I am ready to color outside the lines!
I am no longer going to save face as long as I give my best than that is all I have to do.
I don't need to be someones friend or be manipulated, I just need to give 100% all the time.

I am a good person and I give it my all at my job.  No matter where my life takes me, that is the best I can do and what I do will always be my best!!!!!!!!

Finding My Way Back To Me

So I realized something very important this week, I love the Y and everything that it has to offer.  I found myself there months ago very confused and overwhelmed with all of its' toys.  I remember doing the walk through with a couple friends of ours, and didn't believe I would ever be comfortable on anything but the treadmill.  I can walk slow and fast on that thing, is what I was thinking.  I saw the other cardio equipment and had no desire to conquer the fear of sweating on one of those.  I remember peaking in on the pool and feeling embarrassed by just the thought of putting a bathing suit on and being around complete strangers.  I watched people jogging around the track and wished I could one day have the stamina to keep up at that pace, which later I would call a slow pace.  In the months that followed I took classes at the Y, not many but a few.  I found Zumba fun and a wonderful fifty minute cardio routine.  A couple other classes I tried were, step aerobics and their version of kick boxing, I even attended a yoga class.  I will wander back to the yoga class again I'm sure but for now I like going to spin class.  It's one night a week and boy do I sweat in that class.  Riding a bike never hurt so good.  It didn't take long for me to realize that I can do anything at the Y as long as I wanted to.   As much as I enjoy the Y, for some reason I strayed away.  

I made excuses as to why I wasn't going, came up with what I said was a better plan of action.  I planned on walking more often, but I didn't.  I just let myself go and became super lazy.  I even thought about doing a program called Insanity, which I tried but just don't find it for me.  I may try it again at a later time, but for now I just can't do it.  So I thought about it and decided the one thing I enjoyed and worked was me devoting time to the Y.  

So this week I started working on me again.  Time set aside for my well being and health is just as important as house cleaning and laundry.  I have to have a plan and follow through with it.  My eating habits aren't horrible, maybe could be a little better but that's okay.  I did a mini workout here at home followed by two consecutive days at the Y.  Luckily I had a partner in crime on the first day back to the Y, it's always nice working out with someone.  The next day which was this evening, I had spin class.  I showed up almost a half hour early so I could do a mini ab workout first.  Feeling my muscles hurting and sweat dripping are small reminders of the hard work one must put in if they want to live a healthier life.  I love the way my body feels the morning after an awesome workout.  

This week may not have been what I planned on last week but it was exactly what it was supposed to be.  I found my passion again.  I may be working out a little more by myself, time restraints may keep me from having my partner in crime there but that's okay.  I know how to use all the machines and what works good for me so gone are the excuses.

It's only been one week, but what a damn good week it's been!

Forgive and Forget

When we are young we are taught to accept the apology of the little kid who kicked us on the playground or our sister when she pulls our hair in the back seat.  We learn to say I am sorry without hesitation.  The words have no true meaning, it is what we take from that moment and where we go from there.  An apology can be heartfelt and hold truth or just words to pacify a situation.  I hear people say they are sorry all the time for things they have no control of, but why do we feel the need to use those words.

I have been struggling with demons from my past and with apologies, some heard and some felt. There  is no religion in my life, but I am searching for a sense of spirituality.  In this search I am exploring forgiveness, my forgiveness.  I owe apologies of my own, maybe more than I am aware.  I await apologies, hoping to one day hear them and believe them.  To forgive is not meant to forget and that in there lays an issue for me.  I hold onto things for a long time, years in fact.  I am at a point in my life where the weight of these demons actually brings disease to my world.  It slows down my thought process in the day and keeps my mind racing in the evening.  It holds me back from truly trusting others and being open with those I love.  Sometimes I feel strong but mostly weak from the power I have given anger.

Anger is a front for the sorrow I feel and the resentment and pain I feel.  I have no delusions about who I am or where I have come from.  I am a product of those who have raised me and the biological nature from which I am made.  I choose my path, but derive from the past.  I can no longer blame others for the way I live my life today.  Every action has a reaction and with that said I need to react.  I need to stop judging those that I believe have wronged me and judge myself for the life I live and have lived.  I need to step back and look at the choices the adult me has made.  Do I forgive myself?  Do I accept myself with the wrongs I have made and if so then shouldn't I do the same for everyone else.

I may not forgive everyone today but I am close. 

 I will never forget my past, but I can let it be just that, the past.  

Struggling

So minutes ago I turned off Insanity before the end.  I didn't even do the cool down stretch at the end.  I am not going to give up this easily but I feel this might not be my thing.  I found a love for the Y as I went three to five times a week.  I know I have strayed and no longer can call the Y my second home but I think starting to work out to Insanity has made me remember my love again for the Y.  It is hard to work out, the more I do, the more I love it.  I love pushing myself, but the intensity of Insanity is more than I am used to and not having a partner in crime is pretty lonely.  I like being alone normally but I guess this is different.  
I feel a dilemma that I don't know what to do.  
I have been drinking most of my water, again something I have to get used to again.
I have not been for a run yet, again I hope soon to get out on the road.
My friends I am admitting loud and clear, I am struggling!

Unspoken Words

Sometimes the word sorry just can not be enough.  I looked at her and wanted to say more, but had no idea what those words would be.  I saw that look in her eyes and felt sadness in her hug.  She was surrounded by children's laughter and family support.  The amount of family and friends there to show love was incredible.  The tears dried from earlier hellos, although unseen definitely were there.  The unspoken words, heard loud and clear.  Her strength incredible.

There is no answer for the mysteries of life.  People have their own belief system.  Our beliefs are what keep us strong.   Mine is simple, everything happens for a reason.  I guess it's not that simple, because I see no reason for certain things.  But I don 't know what the future holds, no one does.  Even cruel uncertain actions have an effect which determines our future.

The loss of a loved one seems to have no reason, especially when that loved one is young.  

I just wanted my friend to know that she was being thought of.  There are people out there who just want to hug her, whisper "I'm sorry" in her ear.  Let her know that whatever she needs, there is someone to do it for her.  My sadness for her and her loss is in no comparison to her sadness and loss.  And in no way would I ever begin to say I understand her sorrow.  

                                                

For all those who have lost a child, I am sorry for you and your pain.

For all those who have tried to conceive and have felt the pain of a negative test, I am sorry for your pain.

For all those who have felt the excitement of conception and then experienced loss, I am sorry for your pain.

For all of you who have over come, I learn from your strength.

For all of you, let us remember to be strong for our neighbor, our friend, our co-worker, our family member.